This one is from the archives. A copy of my old blog on ibibo.com back in 2007, that received quiet an encouraging number of hits and comments. Here goes -
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Although I had planned a Blog on The Badshah of Bullshit, “Shah Rukh Khan”, my watching a certain Bollywood Awards show changed my mind and I got a more interesting topic that I wanted to write on. Don’t you worry guys, the blog on “The Badshah of Bullshit – SRK” will come next and will come pretty soon, expect a lot of SRK bashing, but I guarantee you, this Blog of mine will perhaps be more intriguing than the one on SRK and it comes with a lot of Filmi Masala.
I came back home after having a rather insipid dinner with my family at the restaurant I would least Recommend to anyone, “Yellow Chilies” run by famous Celebrity Chef Sanjeev Kapoor (My Dad now despises him like anything) that’s at Sector-18 NOIDA with a few more branches in Delhi as well. With a bad taste in my mouth that I washed down with a can of Red Bull, I hoped to catch a repeat telecast of Laughter Challenge on either Star One or Star Plus at around 12:30 am. Unfortunately, that wasn’t meant to be as there was no Laughter Challenge on either the channels, what I instead got to see was “The 2007 IIFA Awards“, one of those nth Bollywood Awards Show that keep on popping every week or two.
This was a repeat Telecast as the show was 1st Telecast on June 17th 2007, but I didn’t care to see that as I haven’t seen any of those Filmy Award Functions for the past 5 years or so and as you read my blog, you will come to know why it is so.
Initially I wasn’t 1% interested in watching this nautanki or awards show as I had the feared that The Moron Shah Rukh Khan will pop up on the stage with his gay lover Karan Johar (Its True, Damn True) and the terrible duo will start a Trash Talk Marathon as they usually do on every other award function.
But thankfully the good news was, both SRK & Karan Johar were absent and this was a sigh of relief. I though ok, at least the Nautanki (Awards Function) will be watchable given the two morons were absent.
I hadn’t seen much television for a week, and as I’d missed the laughter challenge, I thought, let’s give IIFA a try, it may not make me laugh, but it will kind of entertain me. But after the awards function was over, I laughed at the Awards function more than I could have laughed at the Stand up Acts of Raju Srivastava, Rauf Lala or the new sensation Kapil Sharma.
I started my IIFA Experience by seeing Shilpa Shetty’s acceptance speech for an award from the people of Yorkshire for her poise during Big Brother. She mentioned that it’s her first award. Hmmm… does anyone wonder why?!
I guess some of you already know that I got no respect for Shilpa Shetty (If You have read my Blog on The Big Brother Furor) as she’s the one who put money over national pride during her Big Brother days by being a victim of racial abuse just because she had been paid a hefty amount of 3.5 Crores. So she got herself called as A Dog, A Paki and getting her country disgraced by some fuc**n white women just because money is more important than national pride.
Besharam Aurat
Coming Back to the awards Function, just a couple of thoughts, am I the only one who finds it irritating that the film industry is becoming like a family run business? The Kapoor Khandaan was bad enough like always. It just gets worse. Dharmendra accepts an award from Amitabh who regales the audience with anecdotes picked out from their long friendship. Just after you think that Amitabh will speak till eternity, enter the Punjabi Puttars Sunny & Bobby Deol, who turn up to support Daharam Uncle and all make a happy 3 some. It’s good that Dharam Uncle finally got an award at one of these functions where usually the organizers are busy giving 1 Award to the other to either Big B or Shah Rukh Khan. (Bhaad Main Jaa SRK)
But then the Real Nautanki Starts. Enter Abhishek Bachchan (This bloke by all means sucks Big Time) dancing to the title track of Jhoom Barabar Jhoom. This is what really got my goat. It’s only the industry brats like him, Salman Khan, Vivek Oberoi, Tusshar Kapoor etc who get away with just standing in one place, wriggling their fingers and calling it dancing. The dance steps are custom made for them. So this host of dancers dance sinuously around AB Junior and he stands there moving jerkily – an excuse for a dancer. If I have to suffer industry brats dancing, give me Hrithik or Shahid Kapoor please. They are not so good as actors, but at least they dance far better than the good for nothing AB Junior. My favourite grouse – the dozen children dancing around AB Junior in bikini tops – pelvic thrusts and all. Who are these parents who make their kids do this? The same ones who let them act in movies like Cheeni Kum. (Samjhe main kis pe Ishara kar raha hoon).
And the camera pans and there in the audience is Aishwarya doing the mawaali dance. Jumping around in her seat like a cat on ecstasy, and possibly at her least inhibited on camera ever. For a moment the uncharitable thought that she was faking it crossed my mind. But my mind checked it by reminding me of how I behave when AB Junior is on stage or on the screen, feeling of Disgust. But still there is such a sense of pride and joy when someone you love is up on stage or on camera, even if he is Pathetic (case in point AB Junior), you still cheer him up, hai na Aishwaria Aunty. (After all, she’s allegedly 13 years older than me).
Getting back to the damn awards, the camera then pans and we catch Shweta Bachchan Nanda and the Big B. All waving and dancing in their seats. The song ended with the Big B joining his precious heir on stage. Blech.
Hideous
Saif presented his sister Soha Ali Khan an award (You know why?). Katrina was glowing and Sohail Khan was doing the cat on hot bricks thing while Salman danced.
It’s happened before. The whole thing just makes me feel uncomfortable. Like an outsider being privy to a family function. The Kapoors, Bachchans, Khans and Bhatts – all producing, directing and acting – an incestuous little group. And then, I don’t know if it was planned or just plain ironic – the camera settled on Akshay Kumar’s face. There is something about him that I like. The whole son of the soil thing. No father. No Godfather. I might be wrong – but I have no knowledge of nor have I heard of any gossip about him sleeping with or killing someone to get where he is. The look on his face was indescribable. Almost wistful. Akshay Kumar (Rajiv Bhatia) is a Self Made Man, a Success Story, without any Filmy connections and neither any training in acting, this guy has scaled all heights by sheer hard work that has made him and today he’s one of the finest as well as one of the most highly paid actors in the industry.
Later on, Anil Kapoor and Akshay Khanna turned up to present an award but I missed out what it was because I was busy gaping at Anil Kapoor. Do you wear a tie with a Dinner Jacket/tuxedo? Am I hopelessly behind the times or so sartorially clueless? I thought a DJ meant only bow tie! Please correct me if I am wrong. For now I just want to smack and him and send him home to wear a bow tie. (And the awards were held in Yorkshire – who the hell wants to watch them there? ). Mr. Kapoor you were a Fashion Disaster, learn a thing or two form the simple yet stylish Akshaye Khanna who accompanied you.
And then the icing on the cake – Hrithik Roshan getting the award for Best Actor for Krrish. And Amir Khan in Rang De Basanti losing it to him. No wonder, Aamir boycotts all these awards. A more rigged award I am yet to come across.
In other observations, Rekha still looks gorgeous. Lara Dutta has a beautiful voice and fantastic diction. Aishwarya walked up on Abhishek Bachchan’s arm (they were introduced) as the Golden Couple!) to present some award and he looked like an awkward school boy allowed to walk alongside the teacher he has a crush on. She needs to tighten her tummy and he needs to SHAVE!!! (Bloody Goofball didn’t shave on his wedding Day either). This stubble is growing stale really fast.
Ash and the Ass
Kangana Ranaut looks good – till she opens her mouth and the thick accent sends you running for ear muffs. Oh!! And you must check out the teeny, petite Raima Sen’s stomach below. I feel Adnan Sami’s become thinner already.
Raima ho gayi Moti
A lot of ad film makers are hitting Bollywood and I am glad – tired of this whole thing becoming a family run business. Thankfully Yours Truly doesn’t do much writing on Bollywood or else I would be frothing at the mouth by now. I think I shall reinforce the ban on watching Bollywood Award Functions.
The Nautanki (IIFA) ended with the wooden Salman Khan shaking a leg.. a very wooden leg. And then a veiled figure joined him – throwing off the dupatta to reveal the most dreadful of them all- Govinda, the King of everything Over The Top. I certainly don’t wanna be your Partner.
